Emotions

This being human is a guesthouse. Every morning a new arrival. A joy, a depression, a meanness, some momentary awareness comes as an unexpected visitor. Welcome and entertain them all! Even if they're a crowd of sorrows, who violently sweep your house empty of its furniture, still, treat each guest honorably. He may be clearing you out for some new delight. The dark thought, the shame, the malice, meet them at the door laughing, and invite them in. Be grateful for whoever comes, because each has been sent as a guide from beyond. 

Every emotion is useful if you know how to work with it. There are five basic competencies for working with your emotions: self-awareness, self-acceptance, self-regulation, self-inquiry and self-expression. These competences correlate with the five competencies for working with other people's emotions: awareness, acknowledgment, influence, inquiry and listening.

Self-awareness is the capacity to apprehend what is happening within you. This capacity to experience your inner condition is a basic survival skill as an organism, but human beings enjoy a special level of consciousness. You not only experience your inner states, you can reflect on them and make them an object of your awareness. When you say, "I feel (myself) afraid," there is a part of you that is afraid (the "myself" part), but not all of you. There is another part of you (the "I" part) that notices the "myself" part of you is afraid.

You can increase the intensity of your awareness at will. Like a theater set that is illuminated with more or less intensity, awareness occurs along a continuum. You can be more or less aware, more or less mindful. The less attention you pay, the less alert you'll be, and the greater the probability of living a mechanical life governed by emotional impulses. The less aware you are, the less able you'll be to develop the objective witnessing part of yourself that can perceive and respond impartially. Awareness is the raw material of freedom and responsibility; the basic tool for working with your emotions.

"Emotions need not be acted on when we see that to do so is counterproductive, but if they are treated with respect they can become invaluable pathways to important information (...) It's a mark of wisdom and maturity to understand that we have the power to be a nonjudgmental witness to our emotions, thoughts and memories without being controlled by them or driven to act in self-destructive ways." - Nathaniel Brander

Self-Acceptance is the capacity to accept your emotions without repressing them. This implies suspending your judgment. You acknowledge that any emotion is an automatic impulse that arises beyond your control. It is impossible for you to prevent an emotion. What is possible for you, and vitally important, is to abstain from acting impulsively.

It is helpful to remember that an emotion always has a valid foundation in the thoughts that underlie it. There's no such thing as bad or unreasonable emotions. What is possible is that the thoughts at the root of an emotion are inaccurate, unfounded or destructive. Before you can analyze these thoughts, you need to first open the cocoon of the emotion with gentleness, never with reproach. Once the thoughts are revealed, you can engage them critically. To work with your emotions, you need to treat yourself with the same kindness, understanding and compassion with which you would treat your child. When judgment presides, understanding hides. If you criticize your emotions, you'll never understand them. And without understanding them, you can't manage them.

Self-regulation is the capacity to regulate your impulses, the discipline to maintain control in the face of instinctual pressures. To regulate means to give direction to your emotional energy. According to Daniel Goleman, the capacity to subordinate immediate gratification to long term objectives is the most important psychological skill: "There is perhaps no psychological skill more fundamental than resisting impulse. It is the root of all emotional self-control, since all emotions, by their very nature, lead to one or another impulse to act."

In order to subordinate your actions to long-term interests, you have to take the driver's seat. You have to use your will to choose consciously what you'll do and what you won't do. This allows you to control (without repressing) the counter-productive impulses and motivate yourself to pursue ends that are important to you. Self-awareness and self-acceptance are critical for self-regulation. In order to regulate your impulses, you need to simultaneously separate from them and "embrace" them. Once you have done this, you can explore how to respond to the situation (which includes your emotion) in ways that are congruent with your values.

Self-Inquiry is the capacity to understand the stories that give rise to your emotions. When you experience an emotion you can examine its underlying beliefs in order to separate the useful information from the neurosis.

It starts with words...

If you want a happy life, it starts with your words.

You can’t be happy with yourself when you have just uttered unkind words to either a loved one or  a stranger. You can’t be happy if you've conjured up awful mean thoughts to someone who cut you off in the grocery queue or at the library.

You can’t force happiness into a guilty conscience.

The only way to win this battle is to slow down and take stock of why exactly you rush to judge, to feel bad, or to declare a sour mood on a perfectly sunny day.

Why do you feel that you should have a say as to how things were supposed to go in the first place?

Is it really true that the way you want something to turn out is always the best way for them to turn out?

Or is there perhaps a bigger mystery at work here that even you and I may not comprehend?

What to do instead: Chew your words and run them through 3 gates in your mind before you say anything. Start right now. The first gate asks if the words are kind. The second gate asks if the words are necessary. And the last gate asks if the words are true. If all your answer are a yes, then say the words. If one answer is a no, then hold your tongue.

If you want a happy life, it starts with your character.

You can’t be happy if you are judging the circumstances in your life constantly instead of accepting them. Accepting does not mean that you don’t care, or that you are uninterested in improving it. Don’t confuse the two.

Accepting means that you are clear about what’s real, what’s happening – instead of arguing with reality. When you come to grips with what is, you can then decide if you want to go along with it or if you want to create a new circumstance in your life.

What to do instead: When you catch yourself judging and analyzing everything – why your ride is late, why your boss skipped you for the promotion, whatever it may be, quickly pause and find one reason why the way things turned out is marvelous, terrific, and just plain perfect. Write that reason down. Remind yourself about it next time you jump to judgements and worst case scenarios about life’s little hiccups.

If you want a happy life, it starts with your beliefs.

What you believe, you manifest. What you believe comes to be. If you believe yourself to have power and will, you shall have it. If you believe yourself worthy of achieving your dreams and then go work for them, you will achieve them.

Likewise, if you think yourself unworthy of a home, good health, lots of money or happy relationships, you will then manifest poverty, illness and cancerous relationships in your life.

If you want a happy life, it starts with your humility.

You can’t be happy if you are full of expectations. What your husband or wife must do to live up to your expectation. What your children and pets should do to fulfill your expectations. What your company and boss and management should do to satisfy your expectations.

Ask yourself: Why should anyone live up to you and your big list of expectations? Your expectations are ego-driven and your ego will lead you astray in life. Watch out!

Nobody owes you anything and when you make them feel obligated by listing all your grand expectations – not to mention a list of past disappointments as a result of them not meeting those expectations in the past, you are only creating a web of unhappiness, a perpetuation of disappointment in your life.

You can never have inner peace as long as you are living in your cloud of expectations. So stop expecting and embrace humility.

What to do instead: First, drop all your expectations, past or present, personal or professional and when you do, feel the heavy weight lift off your back. Stand up tall and confident. Then start entering into agreements. Get yourself and the other person to agree to something that works for both of you. Get them to give you their word and you give them theirs.

No more superiority of expectation from you imposed to them. Instead, two intelligent people enter into a mutually beneficial agreement, and that is the most effective way to get what you want in life and thus be happy.

If you want a happy life, it starts with your reality.

And you can’t be happy if you are getting mad at every little or not-so-little thing that happens to you or for you.

Getting worked up sucks out the life force and the beautiful energy that you could put to use to a much better, calmer, happier state of being.

And there is no doubt about the regrets that always follow when you lose your temper, but even if you know it not to be good for you, you do it.

You continue to self-sabotage the good life you have because you confuse actual reality with the way you think that they ought to be.

What to do instead: You can argue with reality until you are blue in the face but in the end, you’ll lose. So skip the argument and start winning from the start. Take a deep breath and go for a walk when you feel your temper rising. Remind yourself to stay in your own business and not another person’s when you feel like meddling, and use positive affirmations to shine a light on this beautiful reality that is YOUR LIFE.

KNOW ME

The reinvention of self doesn't happen when you hate the person you are. And how can you reinvent someone you don’t know? My strength was needed. My strength was always there sustaining me. But my full strength was blocked by meaningless thoughts that were at odds with my emotions; toxic emotions that had hijacked my mind, my heart, my soul. What was created was a person who had control, who taunted me, a person I didn’t know, a person I didn’t want to know. Helpless, I was pushed into a black hole, an abyss… an abyss of my mind; a shroud of darkness engulfing my mind. Who would let me out? When will I see light?

Stepping out of the darkness into the sun, my world has opened up and let the sun shine upon a new me. A new side of me; the “me” YOU want to know. Having faced fear, endured it…conquered it; the torturing of my soul has ended.  My spirit is free and I no longer walk aimlessly, unable to escape my thoughts and feelings that infected every part of me.

My eyes have a story they wish to tell.

Don’t let one word go unheard

Will you listen?

Some are saying to themselves “Who is she and what did she do with my friend”? I was surrounded by friends who never really knew me. They thought they did. My insecurities, my innermost thoughts, truest desires, aspirations, goals; they didn’t know those things. How could they when I didn’t know them either? Like open doors you were led to an empty shell destined to be truly unknown; lost, too numb to feel… no desire to feel; dead inside.

Where is she you asked? Oh… I packed her bags and told her to get ghost!

I was insecure. I wanted to feel loved and supported, but on the other hand I felt threatened and somehow vulnerable when surrounded by those who would love and support me. But I was holding on to love that was lost. Holding on to a love that would not exist again; feeling that I could only be safe if I were in love. Now I have forgotten the past love that would have never lasted. I’m no longer blinded by love unfulfilled. I have new love to give. The glow from my heart yearns to embrace so I’ll let my heart take that chance. I can’t continue to be afraid if I really want love. Love from friends, family, myself.

This, this is the moment I have prayed for: To love myself, to know my worth, to remember joy, to be filled with so much love to give.

Open your arms and embrace the “Me” you always wanted to know.

I have no fear. I am confident and I have strength of stature. I can be your security, your confidant. You can tell ME any and everything. This is me…this is who I’ve always been. I can be with you every step of the way if you want to know me.

You want to “Know Me”

Don’t you?!

Self Sabotaging Part II - Emotional Landmines

In doing a little background research, I found this information to be very positive. And subsequently, an answer to our trivial sabotaging. 

Do you ever find yourself losing control over your emotional reaction to things, saying things that you didn't mean (I can't be responsible for what I say while on prescription drugs) or that are self sabotaging, and having uncontrollable impulsive urges to engage in some form of self sabotaging behavior? YES! And it is highly likely that you have "emotional landmines" deep down inside your mind/body.

Emotional Landmines, are like emotional explosives that go off when something in their environment triggers them. Things that make you BOOM!! Now since they are inside you, their environment consists of everything that you experience in your daily life. This environmental experience includes things like your physiological state, your mental, emotional and spiritual environment.

Ok so; many of us know how we respond to something that is frustrating us when we are tired or hungry. We also know how we respond when we are triggered by something that someone has said that we found annoying. We all have our individual triggers that set our "emotional landmines" off.

The very presence of these landmines inside us have several consequences 1) they wrestle control of your mind/emotions and body away from you 2) they deplete you of energy 3) they make you feel helpless and out of control of yourself… need I say more?

Many individuals live their whole lives with landmines within them that they consider them a normal and acceptable part of their personality and for that reason they think it’s who they are. It deprives them of a proper understanding of who they are as well as a more joyful and fulfilling life.

These landmines are NOT part of who you are. By releasing them you begin to regain full mastery over your self at every level. It is a weakness. First we must recognize and acknowledge them. Then we can take action to overcome them. We can regularly pray to Jehovah, asking for his help to conquer those weaknesses. Then your stress is reduced and your health improves dramatically. Your relationships improve and last but not least, you reduce your risk of being re-traumatized.

By: Candi C. Ferguson

The Tortured Soul Part II - Love Lost Forever

The Tortured Soul Part II

Love lost forever

If only the past could be erased.  If I could kiss the past goodbye I wouldn’t be afraid to live for today. But the past has control of my life. Holding on to what could have been. I should let go, I need to let go. It was a loss that threw a hole in my soul.

We don’t know how the story ends until it’s been told.

Our love was so strong; the kind of love that you know will last forever. We loved unconditionally. We shared joy, we shared pain. My love was embodied in you. We were supposed to grow old together. Huh; such childish thinking. But it was you that I lived for and it would have been you that would have died for.

You moved on… I deserved it and now it’s my own heart that hurts me. ”You’re better off by yourself” I said silently. I was wrong, I’d never been so wrong in my life. It became impossible for me love someone else. I tried… I tried so hard. I thought I could replace you. I fooled myself into thinking there was room in my heart for someone else. I’ve become helpless… hopeless. I can’t trust my feelings to fall in love again. To want to love again, no. Love broke my heart…no it shattered my heart. The sun…my sun doesn’t shine at all. A moment of despair that has lasted over 9 years now; I’m broken and I can bear the pain no longer.

There’s always something that reminds me of you. Trying not to love you the way I do. Deep down I don’t want to be rid of you. Why did you go and fall in love with someone else? You left me empty…an emptiness that is breaking me. I want to hurt just a little less. I used to smile, I used feel; now what am I supposed to do? What am I supposed to do without you?

Who will dry my tears? I want YOU to dry the tears that I cry. I suppose I’m better off this way, broken. I won’t get it right; I’ll do this all wrong again. Yes, I’m better off this way. While my emotions scream slowly, silently, shh don’t speak. Whatever you want to say, say it with your heart. The loss that threw a hole in my heart is closing…

To move on I will tell myself: Our love did not exist. True love does not exist. WE did not exist. My heart, my love for you did not exist.

Love that is lost will not exist again because it is…

Lost Forever

By: Candi C. Ferguson

Self Sabotage

From my previous notes…(which I will get back to) I’m taking a drastic change in my thought process. And I’ll give credit where credit is due. This topic initially came up with Cat Taylor and Wesley Millan at Borders. Thanks guys for spurring my internal novelist. I also credit Drew Tucker and Peter de Zeeuw for letting me bounce this topic off of them. Thanks guys. That being said; Here we go!

Self sabotage is when an individual immerses themselves into an old conditioned habit or way of being that cripples their success, integrity, self esteem, self worth, self confidence, their happiness, their relationships, their health. Ones we have talked about before. Probably over the past few years actually.

Although such behavior to any sane person would seem totally absurd (because it is) to the person who harbors it at an unconscious level there appears to be some sort of "logic" that is driving it.

This unconscious logic is just that "unconscious" and so the person who is engaging the behavior that it supports cannot see it clearly. It is when it, the unconscious logic, is made conscious that the negative behavior vanishes involuntarily.

Self sabotage is a pattern that is seen in individuals who have experienced some form of emotionally traumatic experience in their early life or may be experiencing now. If not properly cleared the memory of this incident sets up in them a sense of vulnerability, fear and hyper vigilance around any event or situation that resembles it in some way. You can refer back to my note The Tortured Soul: “Staring Fear in the Face”.

Ok a very bad relationship you’ve had in the past. The negative emotional imprint of this relationship will still be inside you. Men or women harbors these emotions and we all know it.

Whenever you attempt to engage a new relationship you will be vulnerable to re-experiencing the old painful emotions again. The fear of doing so often leads one to unconsciously sabotage their current relationship so that they will avoid being hurt or jaded again.

Therefore the self sabotaging behavior is in an attempt to maintain a sense of internal emotional peace or harmony. You’re better off suffering alone than suffering over and over again. Throwing yourself back “into the game”. The relationship game has changed. For those of us who have experienced love and loss, it’s so hard to face it. We’re not getting any younger and the desire is there. Jehovah put that desire in us. And unfulfilled it “makes the heart sick”.

Self sabotaging behavior appears to become engaged automatically and appears to be out of the person's control. It is what many might refer to a "bad habit" and habits are thought to be out of our conscious control.

So the individual may actually feel "out of control" of themselves and may find themselves unhappy at the outcome. Ha Ha…we’re actually NOT out of control. (who knew)

The unconscious choice to maintain a sense of control over the appearance old negative emotions from the past wrestles control away from someone in the present as they attempt to make another go at a relationship.

This is what we call "living in the past" or "being enslaved by the past".

The only way to fully live in the present as a truly empowered and successful individual is to release these old painful negative emotions.

Now, will we put it into practice? That’s a question only you can answer.

By: Candi C. Ferguson

TRAPPED

Here's a poem I'd like to share with you.

TRAPPED

I’m trapped I’m in a box I need your help
But I can’t talk I want to run But there’s no way
I need your help I am afraid I cannot breathe
There is no air I need your help

I’m really scared I close my eyes I’m in despair
I need your help But you don’t care
I hear your voice Why do you hide?
I need your help I’m going to die
I open my eyes And gasp for air

The room is dark It’s the same nightmare
I’ve been having it for days
Maybe even weeks It feels so real
I’m afraid to fall asleep I sit up in my bed
And wipe the tears from my eyes
If it’s only a dream Then why do I feel so empty inside?

My eyes feel so heavy I’m falling asleep I can’t!
I must fight it! It’s no use, I’m too weak
It’s dark, I hear voices I knew I should not have fallen asleep
I’m back in my dream I need help, set me free

But wait something’s different Is there something more? I can feel I have hope
My escape is a door I reach out to open it
I try hard, but it’s locked I need your help,
I’m afraid I am trapped in a box.

-Rebekkah