KNOW ME

The reinvention of self doesn't happen when you hate the person you are. And how can you reinvent someone you don’t know? My strength was needed. My strength was always there sustaining me. But my full strength was blocked by meaningless thoughts that were at odds with my emotions; toxic emotions that had hijacked my mind, my heart, my soul. What was created was a person who had control, who taunted me, a person I didn’t know, a person I didn’t want to know. Helpless, I was pushed into a black hole, an abyss… an abyss of my mind; a shroud of darkness engulfing my mind. Who would let me out? When will I see light?

Stepping out of the darkness into the sun, my world has opened up and let the sun shine upon a new me. A new side of me; the “me” YOU want to know. Having faced fear, endured it…conquered it; the torturing of my soul has ended.  My spirit is free and I no longer walk aimlessly, unable to escape my thoughts and feelings that infected every part of me.

My eyes have a story they wish to tell.

Don’t let one word go unheard

Will you listen?

Some are saying to themselves “Who is she and what did she do with my friend”? I was surrounded by friends who never really knew me. They thought they did. My insecurities, my innermost thoughts, truest desires, aspirations, goals; they didn’t know those things. How could they when I didn’t know them either? Like open doors you were led to an empty shell destined to be truly unknown; lost, too numb to feel… no desire to feel; dead inside.

Where is she you asked? Oh… I packed her bags and told her to get ghost!

I was insecure. I wanted to feel loved and supported, but on the other hand I felt threatened and somehow vulnerable when surrounded by those who would love and support me. But I was holding on to love that was lost. Holding on to a love that would not exist again; feeling that I could only be safe if I were in love. Now I have forgotten the past love that would have never lasted. I’m no longer blinded by love unfulfilled. I have new love to give. The glow from my heart yearns to embrace so I’ll let my heart take that chance. I can’t continue to be afraid if I really want love. Love from friends, family, myself.

This, this is the moment I have prayed for: To love myself, to know my worth, to remember joy, to be filled with so much love to give.

Open your arms and embrace the “Me” you always wanted to know.

I have no fear. I am confident and I have strength of stature. I can be your security, your confidant. You can tell ME any and everything. This is me…this is who I’ve always been. I can be with you every step of the way if you want to know me.

You want to “Know Me”

Don’t you?!

Self Sabotaging Part II - Emotional Landmines

In doing a little background research, I found this information to be very positive. And subsequently, an answer to our trivial sabotaging. 

Do you ever find yourself losing control over your emotional reaction to things, saying things that you didn't mean (I can't be responsible for what I say while on prescription drugs) or that are self sabotaging, and having uncontrollable impulsive urges to engage in some form of self sabotaging behavior? YES! And it is highly likely that you have "emotional landmines" deep down inside your mind/body.

Emotional Landmines, are like emotional explosives that go off when something in their environment triggers them. Things that make you BOOM!! Now since they are inside you, their environment consists of everything that you experience in your daily life. This environmental experience includes things like your physiological state, your mental, emotional and spiritual environment.

Ok so; many of us know how we respond to something that is frustrating us when we are tired or hungry. We also know how we respond when we are triggered by something that someone has said that we found annoying. We all have our individual triggers that set our "emotional landmines" off.

The very presence of these landmines inside us have several consequences 1) they wrestle control of your mind/emotions and body away from you 2) they deplete you of energy 3) they make you feel helpless and out of control of yourself… need I say more?

Many individuals live their whole lives with landmines within them that they consider them a normal and acceptable part of their personality and for that reason they think it’s who they are. It deprives them of a proper understanding of who they are as well as a more joyful and fulfilling life.

These landmines are NOT part of who you are. By releasing them you begin to regain full mastery over your self at every level. It is a weakness. First we must recognize and acknowledge them. Then we can take action to overcome them. We can regularly pray to Jehovah, asking for his help to conquer those weaknesses. Then your stress is reduced and your health improves dramatically. Your relationships improve and last but not least, you reduce your risk of being re-traumatized.

By: Candi C. Ferguson

The Tortured Soul Part II - Love Lost Forever

The Tortured Soul Part II

Love lost forever

If only the past could be erased.  If I could kiss the past goodbye I wouldn’t be afraid to live for today. But the past has control of my life. Holding on to what could have been. I should let go, I need to let go. It was a loss that threw a hole in my soul.

We don’t know how the story ends until it’s been told.

Our love was so strong; the kind of love that you know will last forever. We loved unconditionally. We shared joy, we shared pain. My love was embodied in you. We were supposed to grow old together. Huh; such childish thinking. But it was you that I lived for and it would have been you that would have died for.

You moved on… I deserved it and now it’s my own heart that hurts me. ”You’re better off by yourself” I said silently. I was wrong, I’d never been so wrong in my life. It became impossible for me love someone else. I tried… I tried so hard. I thought I could replace you. I fooled myself into thinking there was room in my heart for someone else. I’ve become helpless… hopeless. I can’t trust my feelings to fall in love again. To want to love again, no. Love broke my heart…no it shattered my heart. The sun…my sun doesn’t shine at all. A moment of despair that has lasted over 9 years now; I’m broken and I can bear the pain no longer.

There’s always something that reminds me of you. Trying not to love you the way I do. Deep down I don’t want to be rid of you. Why did you go and fall in love with someone else? You left me empty…an emptiness that is breaking me. I want to hurt just a little less. I used to smile, I used feel; now what am I supposed to do? What am I supposed to do without you?

Who will dry my tears? I want YOU to dry the tears that I cry. I suppose I’m better off this way, broken. I won’t get it right; I’ll do this all wrong again. Yes, I’m better off this way. While my emotions scream slowly, silently, shh don’t speak. Whatever you want to say, say it with your heart. The loss that threw a hole in my heart is closing…

To move on I will tell myself: Our love did not exist. True love does not exist. WE did not exist. My heart, my love for you did not exist.

Love that is lost will not exist again because it is…

Lost Forever

By: Candi C. Ferguson

Self Sabotage

From my previous notes…(which I will get back to) I’m taking a drastic change in my thought process. And I’ll give credit where credit is due. This topic initially came up with Cat Taylor and Wesley Millan at Borders. Thanks guys for spurring my internal novelist. I also credit Drew Tucker and Peter de Zeeuw for letting me bounce this topic off of them. Thanks guys. That being said; Here we go!

Self sabotage is when an individual immerses themselves into an old conditioned habit or way of being that cripples their success, integrity, self esteem, self worth, self confidence, their happiness, their relationships, their health. Ones we have talked about before. Probably over the past few years actually.

Although such behavior to any sane person would seem totally absurd (because it is) to the person who harbors it at an unconscious level there appears to be some sort of "logic" that is driving it.

This unconscious logic is just that "unconscious" and so the person who is engaging the behavior that it supports cannot see it clearly. It is when it, the unconscious logic, is made conscious that the negative behavior vanishes involuntarily.

Self sabotage is a pattern that is seen in individuals who have experienced some form of emotionally traumatic experience in their early life or may be experiencing now. If not properly cleared the memory of this incident sets up in them a sense of vulnerability, fear and hyper vigilance around any event or situation that resembles it in some way. You can refer back to my note The Tortured Soul: “Staring Fear in the Face”.

Ok a very bad relationship you’ve had in the past. The negative emotional imprint of this relationship will still be inside you. Men or women harbors these emotions and we all know it.

Whenever you attempt to engage a new relationship you will be vulnerable to re-experiencing the old painful emotions again. The fear of doing so often leads one to unconsciously sabotage their current relationship so that they will avoid being hurt or jaded again.

Therefore the self sabotaging behavior is in an attempt to maintain a sense of internal emotional peace or harmony. You’re better off suffering alone than suffering over and over again. Throwing yourself back “into the game”. The relationship game has changed. For those of us who have experienced love and loss, it’s so hard to face it. We’re not getting any younger and the desire is there. Jehovah put that desire in us. And unfulfilled it “makes the heart sick”.

Self sabotaging behavior appears to become engaged automatically and appears to be out of the person's control. It is what many might refer to a "bad habit" and habits are thought to be out of our conscious control.

So the individual may actually feel "out of control" of themselves and may find themselves unhappy at the outcome. Ha Ha…we’re actually NOT out of control. (who knew)

The unconscious choice to maintain a sense of control over the appearance old negative emotions from the past wrestles control away from someone in the present as they attempt to make another go at a relationship.

This is what we call "living in the past" or "being enslaved by the past".

The only way to fully live in the present as a truly empowered and successful individual is to release these old painful negative emotions.

Now, will we put it into practice? That’s a question only you can answer.

By: Candi C. Ferguson