KNOW ME

The reinvention of self doesn't happen when you hate the person you are. And how can you reinvent someone you don’t know? My strength was needed. My strength was always there sustaining me. But my full strength was blocked by meaningless thoughts that were at odds with my emotions; toxic emotions that had hijacked my mind, my heart, my soul. What was created was a person who had control, who taunted me, a person I didn’t know, a person I didn’t want to know. Helpless, I was pushed into a black hole, an abyss… an abyss of my mind; a shroud of darkness engulfing my mind. Who would let me out? When will I see light?

Stepping out of the darkness into the sun, my world has opened up and let the sun shine upon a new me. A new side of me; the “me” YOU want to know. Having faced fear, endured it…conquered it; the torturing of my soul has ended.  My spirit is free and I no longer walk aimlessly, unable to escape my thoughts and feelings that infected every part of me.

My eyes have a story they wish to tell.

Don’t let one word go unheard

Will you listen?

Some are saying to themselves “Who is she and what did she do with my friend”? I was surrounded by friends who never really knew me. They thought they did. My insecurities, my innermost thoughts, truest desires, aspirations, goals; they didn’t know those things. How could they when I didn’t know them either? Like open doors you were led to an empty shell destined to be truly unknown; lost, too numb to feel… no desire to feel; dead inside.

Where is she you asked? Oh… I packed her bags and told her to get ghost!

I was insecure. I wanted to feel loved and supported, but on the other hand I felt threatened and somehow vulnerable when surrounded by those who would love and support me. But I was holding on to love that was lost. Holding on to a love that would not exist again; feeling that I could only be safe if I were in love. Now I have forgotten the past love that would have never lasted. I’m no longer blinded by love unfulfilled. I have new love to give. The glow from my heart yearns to embrace so I’ll let my heart take that chance. I can’t continue to be afraid if I really want love. Love from friends, family, myself.

This, this is the moment I have prayed for: To love myself, to know my worth, to remember joy, to be filled with so much love to give.

Open your arms and embrace the “Me” you always wanted to know.

I have no fear. I am confident and I have strength of stature. I can be your security, your confidant. You can tell ME any and everything. This is me…this is who I’ve always been. I can be with you every step of the way if you want to know me.

You want to “Know Me”

Don’t you?!

Self Sabotaging Part II - Emotional Landmines

In doing a little background research, I found this information to be very positive. And subsequently, an answer to our trivial sabotaging. 

Do you ever find yourself losing control over your emotional reaction to things, saying things that you didn't mean (I can't be responsible for what I say while on prescription drugs) or that are self sabotaging, and having uncontrollable impulsive urges to engage in some form of self sabotaging behavior? YES! And it is highly likely that you have "emotional landmines" deep down inside your mind/body.

Emotional Landmines, are like emotional explosives that go off when something in their environment triggers them. Things that make you BOOM!! Now since they are inside you, their environment consists of everything that you experience in your daily life. This environmental experience includes things like your physiological state, your mental, emotional and spiritual environment.

Ok so; many of us know how we respond to something that is frustrating us when we are tired or hungry. We also know how we respond when we are triggered by something that someone has said that we found annoying. We all have our individual triggers that set our "emotional landmines" off.

The very presence of these landmines inside us have several consequences 1) they wrestle control of your mind/emotions and body away from you 2) they deplete you of energy 3) they make you feel helpless and out of control of yourself… need I say more?

Many individuals live their whole lives with landmines within them that they consider them a normal and acceptable part of their personality and for that reason they think it’s who they are. It deprives them of a proper understanding of who they are as well as a more joyful and fulfilling life.

These landmines are NOT part of who you are. By releasing them you begin to regain full mastery over your self at every level. It is a weakness. First we must recognize and acknowledge them. Then we can take action to overcome them. We can regularly pray to Jehovah, asking for his help to conquer those weaknesses. Then your stress is reduced and your health improves dramatically. Your relationships improve and last but not least, you reduce your risk of being re-traumatized.

By: Candi C. Ferguson

The Tortured Soul Part II - Love Lost Forever

The Tortured Soul Part II

Love lost forever

If only the past could be erased.  If I could kiss the past goodbye I wouldn’t be afraid to live for today. But the past has control of my life. Holding on to what could have been. I should let go, I need to let go. It was a loss that threw a hole in my soul.

We don’t know how the story ends until it’s been told.

Our love was so strong; the kind of love that you know will last forever. We loved unconditionally. We shared joy, we shared pain. My love was embodied in you. We were supposed to grow old together. Huh; such childish thinking. But it was you that I lived for and it would have been you that would have died for.

You moved on… I deserved it and now it’s my own heart that hurts me. ”You’re better off by yourself” I said silently. I was wrong, I’d never been so wrong in my life. It became impossible for me love someone else. I tried… I tried so hard. I thought I could replace you. I fooled myself into thinking there was room in my heart for someone else. I’ve become helpless… hopeless. I can’t trust my feelings to fall in love again. To want to love again, no. Love broke my heart…no it shattered my heart. The sun…my sun doesn’t shine at all. A moment of despair that has lasted over 9 years now; I’m broken and I can bear the pain no longer.

There’s always something that reminds me of you. Trying not to love you the way I do. Deep down I don’t want to be rid of you. Why did you go and fall in love with someone else? You left me empty…an emptiness that is breaking me. I want to hurt just a little less. I used to smile, I used feel; now what am I supposed to do? What am I supposed to do without you?

Who will dry my tears? I want YOU to dry the tears that I cry. I suppose I’m better off this way, broken. I won’t get it right; I’ll do this all wrong again. Yes, I’m better off this way. While my emotions scream slowly, silently, shh don’t speak. Whatever you want to say, say it with your heart. The loss that threw a hole in my heart is closing…

To move on I will tell myself: Our love did not exist. True love does not exist. WE did not exist. My heart, my love for you did not exist.

Love that is lost will not exist again because it is…

Lost Forever

By: Candi C. Ferguson

Self Sabotage

From my previous notes…(which I will get back to) I’m taking a drastic change in my thought process. And I’ll give credit where credit is due. This topic initially came up with Cat Taylor and Wesley Millan at Borders. Thanks guys for spurring my internal novelist. I also credit Drew Tucker and Peter de Zeeuw for letting me bounce this topic off of them. Thanks guys. That being said; Here we go!

Self sabotage is when an individual immerses themselves into an old conditioned habit or way of being that cripples their success, integrity, self esteem, self worth, self confidence, their happiness, their relationships, their health. Ones we have talked about before. Probably over the past few years actually.

Although such behavior to any sane person would seem totally absurd (because it is) to the person who harbors it at an unconscious level there appears to be some sort of "logic" that is driving it.

This unconscious logic is just that "unconscious" and so the person who is engaging the behavior that it supports cannot see it clearly. It is when it, the unconscious logic, is made conscious that the negative behavior vanishes involuntarily.

Self sabotage is a pattern that is seen in individuals who have experienced some form of emotionally traumatic experience in their early life or may be experiencing now. If not properly cleared the memory of this incident sets up in them a sense of vulnerability, fear and hyper vigilance around any event or situation that resembles it in some way. You can refer back to my note The Tortured Soul: “Staring Fear in the Face”.

Ok a very bad relationship you’ve had in the past. The negative emotional imprint of this relationship will still be inside you. Men or women harbors these emotions and we all know it.

Whenever you attempt to engage a new relationship you will be vulnerable to re-experiencing the old painful emotions again. The fear of doing so often leads one to unconsciously sabotage their current relationship so that they will avoid being hurt or jaded again.

Therefore the self sabotaging behavior is in an attempt to maintain a sense of internal emotional peace or harmony. You’re better off suffering alone than suffering over and over again. Throwing yourself back “into the game”. The relationship game has changed. For those of us who have experienced love and loss, it’s so hard to face it. We’re not getting any younger and the desire is there. Jehovah put that desire in us. And unfulfilled it “makes the heart sick”.

Self sabotaging behavior appears to become engaged automatically and appears to be out of the person's control. It is what many might refer to a "bad habit" and habits are thought to be out of our conscious control.

So the individual may actually feel "out of control" of themselves and may find themselves unhappy at the outcome. Ha Ha…we’re actually NOT out of control. (who knew)

The unconscious choice to maintain a sense of control over the appearance old negative emotions from the past wrestles control away from someone in the present as they attempt to make another go at a relationship.

This is what we call "living in the past" or "being enslaved by the past".

The only way to fully live in the present as a truly empowered and successful individual is to release these old painful negative emotions.

Now, will we put it into practice? That’s a question only you can answer.

By: Candi C. Ferguson

TRAPPED

Here's a poem I'd like to share with you.

TRAPPED

I’m trapped I’m in a box I need your help
But I can’t talk I want to run But there’s no way
I need your help I am afraid I cannot breathe
There is no air I need your help

I’m really scared I close my eyes I’m in despair
I need your help But you don’t care
I hear your voice Why do you hide?
I need your help I’m going to die
I open my eyes And gasp for air

The room is dark It’s the same nightmare
I’ve been having it for days
Maybe even weeks It feels so real
I’m afraid to fall asleep I sit up in my bed
And wipe the tears from my eyes
If it’s only a dream Then why do I feel so empty inside?

My eyes feel so heavy I’m falling asleep I can’t!
I must fight it! It’s no use, I’m too weak
It’s dark, I hear voices I knew I should not have fallen asleep
I’m back in my dream I need help, set me free

But wait something’s different Is there something more? I can feel I have hope
My escape is a door I reach out to open it
I try hard, but it’s locked I need your help,
I’m afraid I am trapped in a box.

-Rebekkah

Tortured Soul Part I

The Tortured Soul Part I

Staring Fear in the face

GOD! Help me please! I can't get out...I can't get away. Please!

Why would God listen to me? I don't talk to Him. Why would he help me now? He didn't save grandmother who served Him forever. Does HE even know what's happening to me right now? Oh my GOD! Please...Please...save me!

I couldn't scream. I couldn't move. I couldn't see. But something came over me, a strength I can't describe that gave me the opportunity to push my way free and run, run, run through the darkness of night. Tree branches scratching my face, my arms, my legs...run, just run! I continued to tell myself to run. I knew that I would see street lights soon. The highway has to be close. I can hear the cars. Are those cars? Oh...I hope I'm running in the right direction. North, South, North Star...I don't camp! Where the hell am I?! HEY UP THERE!! DO YOU HEAR ME?! NOW WHAT DO I DO?!!

Overcome with tears and wandering  through woods I found myself crawling onto a sidewalk. You've got to be kidding me...Alafaya Trail? The busiest street on the east side of town and not a car in sight! It's the middle of the night, how can the street lights NOT be on?!  Darkness, too much darkness.

They left me...my so called friends left with a car full of people and convinced me that he would take me home. "I'm going that way" he says. I'm going that way sure..." Wait!! But...this is the wrong way


Where once was light now darkness falls
Where once was love, love is no more
Don't say goodbye, don't say, I didn't try


These tears we cry are falling rain
For all the lies you told us, the hurt, the blame
And we will wait to be so alone
We are lost, we can never go home


So in the end I'll be what I will be
No loyal friend was ever there for me
Now we say goodbye, we say you didn't try


These tears you cry have come too late
take back the lies the hurt the blame
And you will weep when you face the end alone
You are lost, you can never go home
You are lost, you can never go home --Emiliana Torrini


GOD? ARE YOU PLAYING WITH ME UP THERE? Well its not funny...

I have to get away. I need to get help. Where do I go? What do I do? I don't know what to do... Pull it together Candi. You know this apartment complex across the street. Just get across the street. They will help me...if they're even home. Please be home!

Flashbacks are like reliving something over and over again. The worst fear, the worst pain I've ever dealt with and it tortures me every time I walk into a dark room, see a dark forest... the past has control of my life. How do I get it back? When will the fear go away? How am I going to stare it in the face? I can't get it out of my mind,  I never will...I will never speak of it again. Silence speaks louder than words. So don't speak...

I have been brought face to face with death. Now who will rescue me from this body undergoing death? My innocence was stolen, I have no strength, what little faith I had is gone. I am going to die right here, right now if he finds me.  And FEAR, yes you FEAR, I'm talking to you: You did this to me.

But GOD...Jehovah God you saved me

(2 Corinthians 4:7-10) . . .the power beyond what is normal may be God’s and not that out of ourselves. 8 We are pressed in every way, but not cramped beyond movement; we are perplexed, but not absolutely with no way out; 9 we are persecuted, but not left in the lurch; we are thrown down, but not destroyed. 10 Always we endure. . .


I endured. Yes I endured and I continue to endure this constant fear that is torturing my soul.


By: Candi Celeste Ferguson

The Mental Makeover Part I

We know that in this system we are all plagued with emotions that can burden us. Some wear their heart on their sleeves, while others can be cold, heartless. And still others seem to have some sort of distorted view of the world. What kind of lenses are you wearing? In any case, we can make changes in how we think, feel, act and react. Is it possible to have a peaceful version of yourself? My peace comes in the form of prescriptions. 

As Christians we are admonished to pray incessantly to Jehovah and to throw all of our burdens on Him. And no doubt we do that! And we can be assured that he hears us and will make us complete in paradise. What can we do now? What type of emotions plague you to your very core?

Anger, anxiety, betrayal, guilt, overwhelming sadness, pain of a shattered heart...these are the emotions that belong to you and to you alone. Satan uses our emotions against us and in a sense "hijacks" our state of mind. I'm still trying to get mine back. I need closure...we all need closure in one or more areas in your life to even begin shedding these harmful toxic emotions. The simplest action: Prayer. It doesn't create any new problems. 

What else? I have been told, more than once that burying my feelings is only damaging me further. So what am I  going to do about it? Pour out my heart in a letter, in therapy? Clear up confusion or just clearing the air with someone? (I choose to brush it off most of the time) Forgive yourself? Apologize? Delete people from your life altogether. Your past can become your future if you don't let go. Easier said than done. But it sounds good right?! You can't move ahead if you're always looking behind.

Are you stuck in the same routine day after day? Work, meetings, service...work, meetings, service. There is absolutely nothing wrong with this routine! But...can you write a new life script? Push yourself out of your comfort zone and create new opportunities for yourself. Change in routine some times cause me severe anxiety...MS flare-ups... seizures. The thought of it makes me twitch. How do I create a new opportunity for myself when I don't want to see the outside? When sadness and depression has covered me like a mudslide?

The reinvention of self doesn't happen when you hate the person your are. It happens when you love yourself enough to believe that you can do better and deserve better. Accept yourself...accept myself...accept myself. It seems taboo to me. I don't hate me...I hate where my emotions take me. I hate that I can even get to feeling dead inside. I see failure, I see multiple missed opportunities: When you adjust your perception, you transform your reality. 

Life is managed , not mastered.  We have to...NO I have to start taking ownership of my emotions. I don't want them... I try to chuck them aside and yet they come back. Taunting me, creating a person I don't know, a person I don't want to know. A person who has control... it's time to take the wheel and put the brakes on. We/I do not need to be "complicated". I want and need to find the Candi that doesn't have to put on a pretty face to hide the abyss that is my mind. 


By: Candi Celeste Ferguson

The Mental Makeover Part II - Where the Darkness Takes You

We have but touched the surface of the turmoil that led me to begin my mental makeover.  This makeover prompted many to share their struggles, their triumphs, their understanding. Others have voiced their appreciation for gaining knowledge into an illness that plagues so many.

Depression is defined as a state of low mood and aversion to activity. Depressed persons may feel sad, anxious, empty, hopeless, helpless, worthless, guilt, etc. Well now, isn’t that precious. They have tried to define what’s inside my mind. The abyss that is my mind; well what happens when the light of the mind goes out?

When the shroud of darkness engulfs ones mind… do you dare to follow? Have the hairs on your neck begun to stand up? They will.

My very heart is in severe pain within me,

And the frights of death itself have fallen upon me.

 Fear, yes, trembling itself enters into me,

And shuddering covers me. – Psalms 55:4, 5

When the sun begins to set and twilight slowly appears, such is the case when the darkness has fallen. It enters through you slowly, causing pain to grip your very spine. Suffocating you from the inside until just when you’ve accepted defeat and welcomed death, you feel a release. And now, you are alone, trapped. Do I cry out for help? Can anyone really help?  If you’re saying to yourself “You need to let someone help you”… Don’t be naïve.  The darkness stole me right out from under you. You saw a smile…but I… I saw nothing; sucked into a chasm without an exit.  Vocal cords crushed by fear.  Are you ready to enter the emptiness that slowly breaks me?

I can only speak now of my own darkness. I can say that of those of us who have been there…it’s a place we would never want even our worst enemy to go.  A place of thoughts never to be spoken out loud or they may actually come to fruition.  Being in a stable place right now, at this moment, I can tell you that there was too many times I begged for death to come. Being dead inside wasn’t enough. Could I create external pain? Maybe that would distract me from the pain of my soul. No…sleep…quiet….sleep.

I can’t feel anything. I can’t see. Am I moving? I want to open my eyes, I want to reach out. There’s no light. No one will take my hand. I’ll wait here. In the dark…

Apparently days have passed, maybe longer… I haven’t moved. It’s still dark here. I don’t want to call out. I can find my way.  If I was in a hole or a tunnel wouldn’t I be able to hear an echo? Hello!? No echo… I really am trapped.

Time seems to slow down but just when you decide to look at the clock you realize a week has passed. Some how you’ve bumped through the week completely unaware of your actions, did you shower?!  This can’t be, this cannot be your life. Wake up! Wake Up!!

No light; still no light. I’m walking now… a labyrinth it seems I’ve stumbled upon.  A maze of fear, despair and suffering.  The way out… I see a way out. “Look, she seems so peaceful. She died in her sleep.” Yes that seems like a way out… wait. What’s that? Tears…so many tears. Why are they crying?  I’m not afraid anymore! It doesn’t hurt anymore! Don’t cry… No this is the wrong way.

No light; still no light. I can’t walk anymore. I’m crawling now.  There’s no way out. Its so dark. I’m so afraid now. The fear its, its crushing me; I can’t breathe. Am I dying now? Am I really dying now?

It let me go… It let me go… I hear something; someone. What are they saying?

Do not be afraid for I am with you. For I, Jehovah your God,

am grasping your right hand, the One saying to you,

 ‘Do not be afraid. I myself will help you.’ - Isaiah 41:10,13

                                                                                                                                 

I can see light… it’s far away but I can see it. I can get to it…I can.


By: Candi Celeste Ferguson